Hitting the Nail

Sometimes, a person hits the nail so perfectly on the head that the best thing you can do is not try to improve upon their work. The following is Bill Maher's final "New Rule" from the September 11, 2009, episode of Real Time with Bill Maher:

And finally, New Rule: Democrats must get in touch with their "inner asshole." And, no, I'm not being gratuitously crude when I say that. I refer to the case of one, Van Jones, who was the man the Obama Administration hired to find jobs for Americans in the new green industries. Hmm, seems like a smart thing to do in a recession. But, Van Jones got fired because he got caught on tape saying Republicans are assholes. And they call it news.

Now, I know that right now I'm supposed to be all re-injected with "Yes We Can" fever after the big healthcare speech. And it was a great speech. You know, when Black Elvis gets jiggy with his Teleprompter there's nobody better. But, here's the thing. Muhammad Ali also had a way with words. But, it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.

It bothers me that Obama didn't say a word in defense of Mr. Van Jones, and basically fired him when Glenn Beck told him to. Just like we dropped "end of life counseling" from healthcare because Sarah Palin said it meant "death panels" on her Facebook page. Crazy morons make up things for Obama to do, and he does it.

Same thing with the speech to schools this week, where the president attempted to merely tell children to work hard and wash their hands. And "Cracker Nation" reacted as if he was trying to hire the Black Panthers to hand out grenades in home room. And, of course, the White House immediately capitulated. "No students will be forced to view the speech," a White House spokesperson assured a panicked nation. Well, isn't that like admitting that the president might be doing something unseemly? What a bunch of cowards. If the White House had any balls, they'd have said, "He's giving a speech on the importance of staying in school, and if you jackasses don't show it to every damn kid, we're cutting off your federal education funding tomorrow."

The Democrats just never learn. Americans don't really care which side of an issue you're on as long as you don't act like p*ssies. When Van Jones called the Republicans "assholes," he was actually paying them a compliment. He was. He was talking about how they can get things done even when they're the minority. As opposed to the Democrats, who can't seem to get anything done even when they control both houses of Congress, the presidency and Bruce Springsteen.

You know, I love Obama's civility, his desire to work with his enemies. It's positively Christ-like. In college, he was probably the guy at the dorm parties who made sure the stoners shared their pot with the jocks. But, we don't need that guy now. We need an asshole. Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That's why they voted for the old guy and "Carrie's mom." You're not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren't crazy. And, speaking of that 70%, when are we going to actually show up in all this?

You know, tomorrow, Glenn Beck's army of zombie retirees are descending on Washington. It's the "Million Moron March." Although they won't get a million, of course, because many will be confused and drive to Washington State. But, they will make news, because people who take to the streets always do. They're at town hall meetings screaming at the congressmen. We're on the couch screaming at the TV. You know, especially in this age of Twitters and blogs and Snuggies it's a statement just to leave the house. But, leave the house, we must, because this is our last best shot for a long time to get the sort of serious healthcare reform that would make the United States the envy of several African nations.