My Barack Obama Lawsuit

On June 3, when Barack Obama clinched the Democratic presidential nomination, he and his wife did something that has apparently set the nation on fire, and really angered me. I am referring, of course, to the "fist-bump heard 'round the world."

Prior to his victory speech that night, when Obama emerged on stage with his wife, the pair chose to forgo the expected hug and kiss for the fist-bump. How hip. This immediately became national news, and I know for a fact that CNN did an entire segment on the occurrence (because war has become oh so boring).

So, why did this really steam my clams? Simple: I've been doing the fist-bump for years. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I could very well have invented the fist-bump. How dare he use it on national television? I fist-bump all the time, and not once has it garnered me national media attention.

Therefore, I will be filing my Barack Obama lawsuit sometime before the end of the week. Under the advice of my lawyer, I cannot disclose the specific amounts that I am seeking, but the lawsuit includes pain and suffering (for seeing my invention, which took me years to perfect, on national television with no credit for me) and compensation for the derailment of my career (my plan was to do the fist-bump on TV as soon as I had the chance, thus elevating the status of my career significantly).

Furthermore, we are attempting to coordinate our efforts with the trademark owners of the phrases "Yes We Can" and "Si Se Puede," as well as the inventor of the shoulder-brush.